I feel as if I have raided the LYS of Stone’s Throw with all of the goodies I have waiting for me to work with! It is a relaxing moment for the mind and heart. It is good. Very good.
Surprisingly, for a Wednesday, this hasn’t been very bad at all. In fact, this has been a genuinely awesome day and I am feeling SO accomplished. I would even say I am a quarter of the way through with one of my footies and can’t wait to wear them this fall! There is excitement!
Plus, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes out next week! EXCITEMENT! EXCITEMENT!
Last night I didn’t go to bed early, but tonight…. Tonight I am on my way.
Despite a squeaky voice and feeling pretty rotten, I survived Monday!
The footies I am making for myself are actually progressing faster than I thought they would. The baby blanket yarn is looking at me almost forlorn, wondering when it is going to be worked up into a cute little blanket for a brand new person coming into the world!
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Happy belated Fourth of July everyone!
Here at the Notafraid2knit homestead there was frantic preparations for getting everything ready for a party that ended up being in, thankfully, SS’s garage! I need to do something super special for him because he deserves something special for all of the wonderful things he does for us here, as well as everyone else he can. You simply cannot beat him, except for maybe DH when he isn’t grumpy, which is hard to do these days- not find him grumpy. Can grumpiness become a habit instead of how you are truly feeling? Sometimes I wonder, and yes, I digress. My apologies.
DH put together a brand new grill (in the rain) and then cooked some mighty tasty hamburgers and brauts (in the rain) and then proceeded to eat (in the rain) because he didn’t want to bring his grumpiness into the garage with everyone else. This caused some amusement for some of the guests, especially RQ who has known DH for over 20 years and brought it up to him that”his wife” had “suggested” he put the grill together in the garage, but he had to be contrary. Surprisingly DH agreed and finally came in, literally, out of the rain to play a game with us and thus enjoy the rest of the day.
About 8:30 p.m. everyone packed up and headed to the fireworks display downtown and I gratefully went to my own home where I took more medicine for a probably sinus infection and just proceeded to rest.
Today I have little to no voice, and am slinging snot and feeling none too wonderful, but I am alive and the party was a success. It is amazing how some of the smallest things remind you of how great and grand life truly is and how it is always important to live it, no matter how badly you feel. Even feeling bad means you are alive enough to feel something.
The knitting projects are finally almost organized. Since I still do not have the sweater pattern for the baby item I am beginning on the blanket today. It is such a happy yarn. It is variegated white, pastel greens, blues, and yellows and so soft t is an absolute treat for the fingers to work with it! I am debating on two patterns for it, the slipped chain or something else. I am favoring the slipped chain because it just looks interesting and the pattern is not too hard to remember, as long as I can find it again, of course. I am simply going to have to buckle down and collect all of my pattern stash together into one place and just keep it there for future reference. Still, it is going to be quite a big chore when it eventually does begin.!
Scarf for Roots & Heritage Festival booth
Footies for me
Blanket for LB’s baby
Sweater for LB’s baby
Booties for LB’s baby
What is already on the needles? The footies for me. Several other things need to go there pretty quick.
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A lot has been going on of late. Everyone knows I am working from home and that this has caused me some ups and downs emotionally, well, I have more news to share with you.
A couple of weeks ago the chiropractor my husband goes to sent me word through DH that he thought he could help me with my migraines despite my arthritis. So, armed with old copies of an MRI I had taken in 2003 I went to visit said doctor. Dr. Krackles is a nice man, smaller than I imagined, and he has quiet, tender hands that do help to make my back feel better.
After seeing my condition he said he thought he could help me and needed to look at the old MRI as well as some new x-rays he himself took. In the mean time I was sent to a different room and nice heat was applied to my back and a small tenz(sp?) unit was on my back and I found muscles that don’t normally relax begin to do so. That alone was worth the $15 co-pay DH had to pay!
When it came time to the actual adjustment and consult, Dr. Krackles had some interesting news for me. My neck is broken and has been broken since at least 2003 when the migraines began. The injury itself is actually life-threatening and many doctors have missed it or just simply not cared. According to Dr. Krackles, as well as my GP, the place where my neck is injured is very dangerous – if I move my neck too quickly or receive an awkward jar, or even a jar I am not prepared for, I may die because my neck will snap and it will be all over.
That is VERY sobering news.
It has been a lot for me to deal with, actually, and the questions have not stopped since the discovery of the injury: Why didn’t the doctor I was seeing for migraines back in 2003 catch the problem? If he did catch the problem why didn’t he try to have it corrected? Is my osteoporosis so bad the injury cannot be repaired by the fusing operation several physicians have talked to me about? Has God kept me alive for these 6 years for some greater purpose?
Last week I had a small meltdown and temper tantrum. There just isn’t any other way for me to describe the horrible crying jag and yelling fit I took, and sadly DH received the brunt of it all with as much patience as he could muster. Since then I have been having a hard time working and taking the calls and accepting being yelled at on a regular basis. The hardest calls for me to take have been the ones where people have been upset at me when I have had to ask if their injury was due to an auto accident or work related incident. It has set my teeth on edge when I have heard, “I am disabled. I cannot work!” They usually then proceed to explain to me why they cannot work. Sometimes I agree – silently – with them, but the majority of the time I just listen and do my job and hurry through the call as best I can so that I won’t have to talk to that person any longer than is required.
It is wrong of me, I know, to be this way, but I have been, am, and am trying to encourage myself just to do the job and keep on going. My life could be really too short to dwell on their fear.
So, today, the first Friday I have not had to work in ages and ages, I have relaxed and prayed and thought and planned and hoped. Realizations and knowledges have made themselves present and I came to a conclusion: I am going to LIVE my life and going to make the best time out of what I have since, right now, I could literally die at any weird moment.
All of this actually began last night when I cast on a pair of footies for myself. Since they are for me I am not going to worry about a heel – you know, the foot size difference I have, lol – and could actually feel the tension leave my shoulders and upper back as I began to slowly knit. Since it felt so good, I picked up the “fake lace” scarf I promised my mother-in-law for her booth at the Roots & Heritage Festival this year and finished it before going back to the socks. Again, the tension continued to evaporate. There was peace on the inside again, which actually got me to thinking just a little more about what type of life I would like to live and what truly made me happy.
Since knitting has become so important to me I have made the decision to organize it and for an entire year, I am going to knit my way to prayer and peace. To that end I picked up two “spare” journals and made one my Christmas Journal and one my Knitting Journal. Because this is a knitting blog I am going to incorporate it into this year long trek of creating the life I want for myself, as well as leave behind for my husband, should the not-so-impossible happy, some truly good memories of us together, as well as the rest of my family and friends.
I have often read and heard how people, when faced with the knowledge of cancer and dying that they finally become the people they always should have been, but never fully understood it completely until now.
I am truly frightened – not so much of dying, but of leaving behind those I love with fewer happy memories than what they deserve. If something were to happen, I want the love of my life to smile at memories of me and not recall all of the arguments we have had or the cruel words we have said to each other.
This plan of mine, this project, if you will, is going to be quite difficult because there are a lot of changes that have to occur, but they are not changes that cannot occur. Much like knitting, each day, each moment of the day, is like a knitted stitch in a garment or project: each stitch fits with the next for something beautiful in the end; and when mistakes are made the wrong stitches are frogged and good ones knit in their place. This year is going to be the frogging of the old stitches of the garment that is me, and in doing this, I am going to knit and write as hard as I can, because there literally may not be a tomorrow for me.
Hopefully some of you will go on this journey with me for at least this year. If all goes well, there will be another year of this project of mine, but I am not going to take it for granted that there will be – not ever again – and I am going to be the person I truly am and enjoy my life without any pretenses. There isn’t time for pretending or delaying any more. Now is the time for living and being…me.