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A lot has been going on of late. Everyone knows I am working from home and that this has caused me some ups and downs emotionally, well, I have more news to share with you.
A couple of weeks ago the chiropractor my husband goes to sent me word through DH that he thought he could help me with my migraines despite my arthritis. So, armed with old copies of an MRI I had taken in 2003 I went to visit said doctor. Dr. Krackles is a nice man, smaller than I imagined, and he has quiet, tender hands that do help to make my back feel better.
After seeing my condition he said he thought he could help me and needed to look at the old MRI as well as some new x-rays he himself took. In the mean time I was sent to a different room and nice heat was applied to my back and a small tenz(sp?) unit was on my back and I found muscles that don’t normally relax begin to do so. That alone was worth the $15 co-pay DH had to pay!
When it came time to the actual adjustment and consult, Dr. Krackles had some interesting news for me. My neck is broken and has been broken since at least 2003 when the migraines began. The injury itself is actually life-threatening and many doctors have missed it or just simply not cared. According to Dr. Krackles, as well as my GP, the place where my neck is injured is very dangerous – if I move my neck too quickly or receive an awkward jar, or even a jar I am not prepared for, I may die because my neck will snap and it will be all over.
That is VERY sobering news.
It has been a lot for me to deal with, actually, and the questions have not stopped since the discovery of the injury: Why didn’t the doctor I was seeing for migraines back in 2003 catch the problem? If he did catch the problem why didn’t he try to have it corrected? Is my osteoporosis so bad the injury cannot be repaired by the fusing operation several physicians have talked to me about? Has God kept me alive for these 6 years for some greater purpose?
Last week I had a small meltdown and temper tantrum. There just isn’t any other way for me to describe the horrible crying jag and yelling fit I took, and sadly DH received the brunt of it all with as much patience as he could muster. Since then I have been having a hard time working and taking the calls and accepting being yelled at on a regular basis. The hardest calls for me to take have been the ones where people have been upset at me when I have had to ask if their injury was due to an auto accident or work related incident. It has set my teeth on edge when I have heard, “I am disabled. I cannot work!” They usually then proceed to explain to me why they cannot work. Sometimes I agree – silently – with them, but the majority of the time I just listen and do my job and hurry through the call as best I can so that I won’t have to talk to that person any longer than is required.
It is wrong of me, I know, to be this way, but I have been, am, and am trying to encourage myself just to do the job and keep on going. My life could be really too short to dwell on their fear.
So, today, the first Friday I have not had to work in ages and ages, I have relaxed and prayed and thought and planned and hoped. Realizations and knowledges have made themselves present and I came to a conclusion: I am going to LIVE my life and going to make the best time out of what I have since, right now, I could literally die at any weird moment.
All of this actually began last night when I cast on a pair of footies for myself. Since they are for me I am not going to worry about a heel – you know, the foot size difference I have, lol – and could actually feel the tension leave my shoulders and upper back as I began to slowly knit. Since it felt so good, I picked up the “fake lace” scarf I promised my mother-in-law for her booth at the Roots & Heritage Festival this year and finished it before going back to the socks. Again, the tension continued to evaporate. There was peace on the inside again, which actually got me to thinking just a little more about what type of life I would like to live and what truly made me happy.
Since knitting has become so important to me I have made the decision to organize it and for an entire year, I am going to knit my way to prayer and peace. To that end I picked up two “spare” journals and made one my Christmas Journal and one my Knitting Journal. Because this is a knitting blog I am going to incorporate it into this year long trek of creating the life I want for myself, as well as leave behind for my husband, should the not-so-impossible happy, some truly good memories of us together, as well as the rest of my family and friends.
I have often read and heard how people, when faced with the knowledge of cancer and dying that they finally become the people they always should have been, but never fully understood it completely until now.
I am truly frightened – not so much of dying, but of leaving behind those I love with fewer happy memories than what they deserve. If something were to happen, I want the love of my life to smile at memories of me and not recall all of the arguments we have had or the cruel words we have said to each other.
This plan of mine, this project, if you will, is going to be quite difficult because there are a lot of changes that have to occur, but they are not changes that cannot occur. Much like knitting, each day, each moment of the day, is like a knitted stitch in a garment or project: each stitch fits with the next for something beautiful in the end; and when mistakes are made the wrong stitches are frogged and good ones knit in their place. This year is going to be the frogging of the old stitches of the garment that is me, and in doing this, I am going to knit and write as hard as I can, because there literally may not be a tomorrow for me.
Hopefully some of you will go on this journey with me for at least this year. If all goes well, there will be another year of this project of mine, but I am not going to take it for granted that there will be – not ever again – and I am going to be the person I truly am and enjoy my life without any pretenses. There isn’t time for pretending or delaying any more. Now is the time for living and being…me.